How Can I Help?

 It's been a year, and I ain't saying it ain't been a good one. It's been a "did a lot more than I thought I could" one. -It's Been a Year by Ashley Cooke  If that isn't the truth, Grandma.  I miss you more than life.  But we're doing okay.  Maybe not today, but that's expected.  I've learned that grief comes in waves.  Like the other night, when I stepped outside and looked up at the stars.  I just cried and talked to you.  It was what I needed, but it was brief.  Brief like our last phone call on May 12, 2024;  8 days before my heart shattered and left a pain that lingered.  _______ A year later, I've been pushed to change my perspective.  The idea of re-shaping how I'm viewing these "bad" things that keep happening.  I'm finding hidden meanings as to why things have happened.  I find myself believing that God is on my side again, after doubting his mission. I've read a few blogs from Hope During Loss (linked b...

I’m grieving.  But in a way that is silent and functional.  I can’t stop buying things to lay at their graves.  I try to keep the flower arrangements up to date based on the seasons.  I can’t listen to certain songs unless I’m in the right headspace.  “I Wish Grandpa’s Never Died” by Riley Green is a heart-wrenching pain for me.  I haven’t even tried listening to Amazing Grace My Chains Are Gone.  That was the last song sang as he died and to conclude his funeral.  Their pastor has a beautiful voice that took his spirit to heaven’s front door.  My heart hasn’t been the same since May 20, and I have said that something in me changed that day she died.  My heart was still mourning my grandma, and then we buried my grandpa exactly 9 months later.  Cancer is a thief.  It snuck up so quietly and quickly that I felt robbed of my time with him.  Stage 4 colon cancer.  It took him from this beautiful life he created.  It...

      Wednesday night, the family gathered at our hometown hospital and said goodbye to someone who gave us such a good life and memories to remember. If you don't know him, he was Roger Dunham. A husband, a father, a grandfather, a great-grandfather, a farmer, and a community man. Most mornings, you could find him with his coffee pals at a local gas station or diner. At every game or event, you'd see him with a great big smile on his face. As kids, he was the grandpa you wish every kid your age had because they missed out on what having an awesome grandpa was about.      He taught me to drive the Gator when I was 10 years old. He turned the barn's hayloft into a play area for us kids. He built a playhouse out back and filled it with all the most significant things to have as a child. We played 'survival' and would cross the gravel road to hit the creek for treasures, and he paved a path so we could get there safely. He taught us that work mattered and...

     I mentioned in my last letter that the holidays were coming up soon. Well, here we are,  nearing the end of the holiday season, and I've found my heart hurting a little extra lately. It makes me sad we didn't get to spend it with you, but you had the rest of your family up in heaven having the best time. We've got Dad taken care of down here.      It has felt more like Christmas this year  than years in the past. It helps that we had Dress-Up December and made a Gingerbread City in our hallway at school, and I put my heart and soul into that. The kids loved it! I've realized these kids look forward to school to escape their home life. I'm glad they trust me to be a positive thing each day. I can only imagine a Christmas break of 17 days would be hard on a kid during Christmas time when, in any household, money is tight, routines are off, and quite frankly,  there is such a thing as spending too much time with the ones you love.  ...

     With Christmas coming up, we all know things get messy-- and I'm not talking about in the kitchen.      Attempting to align Christmas with other families is difficult. Some come to the conclusion they just can't be there. I have personally never been that person, as my schedule has worked out each year. When it is my turn not to be there, I'll send my well wishes and hope my absence doesn't affect the cheerful time of the gathering. So far, life has kept me near my family, which has been one of my greatest blessings. However, as my friend has said, "Life changes, minds change, and circumstances change." I don't know what is to come, but I'm happy I've gotten 22 years already to have family nearby, and I've loved it. For the ones that don't have this, my heart goes out to you. My hope is that wherever you are, you take care of yourself during this season.  Some tips and tricks I thought I'd share if I were in your situation.      Do...

 I went to your grave tonight and switched out the flowers that were put there six months ago when we buried you. I brought Sami, my dog, to meet you, but we didn't stay long because it was so cold. Which is crazy because May 20th, 2024, was one of the hottest days of the summer. But there you were, still mowing the yard like you loved to do.  Since that day, so much has changed. Something in ME changed. I moved to your house and got comfortable with the life you lived out here on a dead-end road. I no longer look at the sunset and wonder who the artist is. I talk to the sky as if you're standing right over me. I grew a beautiful flower garden, which I have never done before, and somehow, more keep blooming. You left me your green thumb, and now I have a new appreciation for nature. My heart grew bigger, and now I have 4 kittens found in the barn, 2 adult cats with a total of 3 eyes, and an Australian shepherd-Labrador mixed dog who keeps me safe and reminds me of the incredib...