My Waiting Game

Do you know the feeling of having your plans close to your grasp?

To where you can feel everything falling into place how you want it?

But then for the process be drug on from day to day, to five days later?

Then missing out on one because of the other?

Now just wondering if I’ll lose the other one too.

That’s where I’m at.

In the world of apartments and jobs in St. Louis, my chosen home, I am in the middle of chaos.

 

--"Jenna, what are you talking about?”

--This is a waiting game with my future on the line. 

 

About a month and a half ago, I started applying for jobs and looking for apartments in St. Louis to get myself back in a personal environment, on a normal routine, being able to provide and nourish my body, but most importantly to reimagine my future and act on it.

When I say, “act on it,” I don’t mean that lightly. I did the one thing you’re not supposed to do as an employed individual: put in your two-week notice before having another job lined up. I woke up on a Sunday morning before church on my vacation in Montana, surrounded by snow and mountains, and decided I was done thinking hypothetically and knew the only way to see a drastic change was by taking a drastic measure. I realize I may have jumped the gun. Sorry, mom.

I keep telling myself God has a plan for me.

I’m so confused about what I’m supposed to be doing, where I’m supposed to be, and who I’m supposed to be doing things with. I always feel like I could explode from the unknown. I have all these ideas about what I could be, like a businesswoman, a personal assistant, a waitress, a writer, and most currently, a flight attendant. I just want to be all the things!

5 realizations that equaled up to a slap in the face (figuratively):  

  1. You must have an offer letter from a job before filling out an application for an apartment. That’s $50 you’ll never see again.

        2. Just because jobs are hiring doesn’t mean they’ll give your resume a chance. I applied to over fifty jobs, only to interview with three.

        3. How can you be required to have 3+ years of experience but not be given a chance to prove that work ethic doesn’t depend on experience? Seems unfair to me.

        4. Have a backup plan in case things don’t go your way. I set a date for myself to move by April 1, but April Fools! I thought wrong.

        5. Control what you can, let go of what you can’t, and be prepared for disappointment. 

To wrap this up, I'm saying that I’m frustrated. I’m taking the punches as they come, and they just keep coming. I’m tired of waking up thinking, “Today is pivotal for my future.” (I’m serious; I said that to myself daily.) I’m tired of explaining to people what my plan is because frankly, I don’t know! I’m depriving myself of sleep either waking up to a dream that feels too real or not falling asleep from imagining how I’ll decorate my new apartment (which I don’t have). I’m exhausted. 

Happy gap year, Jenna! *gets slapped across the face* 

My conversation with God:

Hey God, it’s me again. I’m really confused and I’m about tired of this game. Show me some direction, some answers, and some patience because I’m starting to run thin. Amen.