Where Am I In My Own Journey?

Easy answer: not where I expected to be

Better answer: taking some time for myself

Okay, a proper explanation: 

    If you had asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up at the age of 9, I would have told you I wanted to be a teacher, just like my mom. I had the whole “school house set up” in my basement, along with dolls as my students, a real teacher’s guide, lesson plans, and a grading book. 

    However, those dreams vanished when I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at 10. After that, I knew I was destined to help others with their own diagnosis. As I said before, helping people is a part of who I am, and I believe that I was diagnosed to use my experiences as a diabetic to help others. 

    During my high school career, I obtained my Certified Nursing Assistant license and was introduced to the healthcare system. I worked in a nursing home and, currently, in a hospital. When they say burnout is real, it’s real. However, I always tried to remember how hard of a worker I am and how well I make connections with my patients. The patients or tasks I was expected to take care of weren’t the reason for my burnout, but the short-staffing, being underpaid, and lack of appreciation for hard workers burnt me out. 

    Despite the burnout, I figured surely once I got to nursing school, my feeling towards the healthcare system would take a turn, and it would all be masked with having “BSN, RN” after my name. That brings us to the most current part of the journey…

    It was my third semester of nursing school. I had a great 20th birthday, met someone who broke my heart, my mental health hit rock bottom after I had been doing so well, I wasn’t sleeping, and anxiety ate at me when it came to classes and test-taking. I had so much trouble accepting that I could be struggling when it came to school. I had been 2nd in my high school class, always kept a good reputation in my community, and was determined to make it through to be the best nurse there could be. 

… That was until I couldn’t make it anymore. My parents knew I was struggling. I called my mom one night after contemplating what I’d do next. In my head, there were only two options: drop out of nursing school to take some time for myself or keep pushing through school despite fighting my own demons. 

    I chose to finish out the semester as best I could, leave the city that I had grown so comfortable in, move back home, work as much as I can, and take a gap year to get back on my feet again. I was so discouraged in myself. Why couldn’t I just keep fighting? 

    I’m in the third week of my “gap” and have found reasons to be okay with my decision and take some time for myself. I also realized that I needed to give credit to myself for how far I have come and what I have already accomplished.

    A few highlights are that I made Dean’s List last semester! I started volunteering for JDRF, which is a diabetes foundation for young kids, and have met so many great people! Most importantly, I made it through my lowest point. There were days when I thought the battle in my head might win, but here I am, living, not just surviving anymore. 

    So, what happens from here? Still trying to figure it out. But that’s the beautiful thing about a person’s journey. None of us have any idea where our extraordinary lives might take us. 

    Until then, be patient. Give yourself credit where credit is due. Surround yourself with people and reasons to keep fighting. Don’t be so hard on yourself for “failing” the original plan. 

(Sometimes, I need to remember my own advice.)

Someday, all the stars will align, and you’ll know your purpose. 

With love, Jenna K.