Autonomous & Anonymity

Autonomous {aw-ton-uh-muhs}: independent and having the power to make your own decision 

Anonymity {an-uh-nim-i-tee}: the quality or state of being unknown to most people, being anonymous 

--"But Jenna, you are obviously not unknown to most people... you have a blog. 

-- Okay, yes, but it's different when you talk about where you're living and what circumstances come with it. 

It's easy to break apart these definitions because they have nothing to do with each other, but when they come together, it brings a different type of balance, comfort, and peace. I desire to have both autonomy and anonymity. 

I know. Those heavy words are hard to pronounce but stick with me. 

My first exposure to autonomy and anonymity was when I moved to St. Louis for college. Talk about a culture shock! My favorite sentence to add when introducing myself was, "I came from a town of 1,300 and graduated with 10 in my class." The shock on their face is the best part! 

It was an incredible transition with many hurdles, but most importantly, I was introduced to a life I loved. I thrived on being unknown to so many people and being able to make my own decisions. Being anonymous and independent comes with feelings and circumstances that force you to evaluate choices, weigh possibilities, and learn new things about yourself.

My elementary school best friend and I applied and attended colleges in St. Louis, precisely where we needed to be. We met people that were facing different battles and demons. We met people who weren't raised knowing how to fight and figure things out for themselves. We met people who didn't have to work to afford what they wanted. We met people who came from very different backgrounds. 

But all those things were good. We needed to be exposed to that to recognize how much we already had and how much we had to gain moving away from our hometown. 

--"So what did you gain or learn about yourself?" 

--I learned how to take care of and love myself. 

I mean this in the most literal form you could imagine. 

I learned:

    -how to be comfortable in my own presence.

    -how to drag myself out of bed on a hard day. 

    -how and what it took to keep me fed and healthy.

    -how to prioritize tasks to get it all done.

    -how to manage my health.

    -how to work through a broken heart.

    -how to let myself rest.

    -how to talk with strangers in a St. Louis Bread Co. waiting for our order. 

But that's not all. I learned to give people the benefit of the doubt and not judge how they may appear on the outside. There are good people. I knew who I could count on when I needed to talk, laugh, or cry. Sometimes life got lonely. I learned to celebrate small victories because sometimes the small things were the only things going right. 

But most importantly, I learned to be kind because nobody knows the demons that someone else is fighting. It is a natural instinct to keep thoughts and feelings trapped inside your head. You are only expected to open up if you are ready. 

I hope to get back to the unison and balance of autonomy and anonymity. To be anonymous and independent at the same time, back in the city, where I learned so much about myself. 

It's what I crave. 

With love,

Jenna K.